The Importance of Friendships ... With Other Parents

Before I was married, I had a free and fun social life. I took off for concerts, went out for dinners, hung out at clubs and bars, and visited friends at all times - even around 2am on a week night. There were no restrictions. Then I met my wonderful husband, and "we" had a fun and varied social life. We went to movies and concerts, explored restaurants, hit happy hours and dinner parties, and visited friends. It was just on a slightly more scheduled basis.

Then we had our baby, and he became the center of our universe. I left my job in order to be a full time mom, we cut back to one income for the family, and we moved to a new city to be close to relatives. We left our social network, our favorite hangouts, and most aspects of our former life. I must say that in the first year of parenthood, our social life dwindled to practically nothing.

This is not to say that we completely lost contact with our friends. We weren't close enough to visit, but we chatted on the phone and emailed frequently. However, when your friends are still single, and you are married with a child, there are some big differences in your lives. You no longer talk about the same things, and you don't have the same things in common anymore.

Once you become a parent, and especially if you don't have friends or relatives with children, you either talk endlessly to your own parents, or you start up random conversations with people you meet at playgrounds or the supermarket. These are your new peers, after all!

I have found myself comparing developmental milestones with parents, while standing in line at the store. It becomes socially acceptable for men to discuss their wives' bizarre pregnancy cravings and (alleged) moodiness. While on vacation (without our baby), we somehow met other parents on vacation (without their babies), and sat and talked for hours about how much we miss our kids!

I LOVE my single and DINK (double-income-no-kids) friends. However, as much as they love and support me, and much as they listen and sympathize with me, they cannot relate to the reality of parenting. Only parents can truly commiserate with the sleeplessness during a newborn's first few months. Only parents will understand deeply the frustration of the fourth leaky/poopy diaper of the day, and how that equates to a child, who is only a fifth your size, ending up with the majority of the household laundry. And only parents, who are sleep deprived and haven't showered in two days, can sit and watch the children of other unshowered, sleep deprived parents eat grass and playground woodchips, while their parents look on with mild concern, and instinctively understand that, unless the kids are choking on the woodchips, there's really no reason to get up off the park bench.

With other parents, there's a sort of instant camaraderie, as though you've fought alongside each other in the same war. It's as if they were with you in the jungles of "Teething Troubles," or diving to the floor with you during the "Climbing Phase."

I love all of my friends, whether they have children or not. A note to my single friends, I can't wait to hang out with you again. .....And I can't wait to recruit you for babysitting. Heehee! To all my parent-friends, thank you for your support, your insight, and your confessions. I'm glad to have found someone who can relate to my new reality! Also, to my single and DINK friends, don't think for a second that you aren't getting married and having kids. And don't think for a second that I won't be there for you when you are ready to celebrate your child's first tooth, or are seeking relief during your baby's second week of teething.

Tantrum Averted - - You May Proceed to Parenting Level 2!

So........Am I the only one who found the transition from DINKhood (Double Income No Kids) to Parenthood to be a painful process? I miss the freedom of being able to get up and go - anywhere. I used to take off to the store for groceries, to the mall to buy a pair of jeans, or we could just go out to dinner if we didn't feel like cooking. Leaving the house now is akin to packing for a week long camping trip. I wouldn't dream of going without a few changes of clothes, extra jackets and sweaters, a few books and toys, an entire pack of diapers, at least two blankets, and enough snacks and drinks to feed a school bus full of kids.

The other evening, we decided to get some take out from a new Vietnamese restaurant in our neighborhood. However, when we got there, the place had several open tables, so we decided to dine in. *Sigh* Our spontaneity had some serious drawbacks.

1. It was already our boy's dinner time, and he was already hungry.
2. Sitting in a high chair with nothing to amuse himself was NOT fun.
3. We didn't have a sippy cup for him; we hadn't planned on staying to eat at the restaurant.
4. A hungry, thirsty baby is NOT a patient baby.
5. A hungry, thirsty baby is rarely a quiet baby.

However, I must say that I am really proud of myself and my husband. In the past we would forget about eating out, even forget about getting food, and instead get our boy home as fast as possible. But this time, we wanted to try this new restaurant so we decided to work with the situation.

Hungry baby with no sippy cup? Nothing we can't handle. There was a grocery store very close to the restaurant. I stayed at the table and placed our order, while my husband took our cranky boy and bought a cup and a pack of toddler fruit bars. Mr. Baby was able to eat a small bar while they walked back to the restaurant. The fruit bar and the walk helped to keep him occupied, and he stopped screaming. The food arrived a few minutes before they returned, and I immediately cut up some meat and veggies from my plate. Just in time! They sat down, and I was able to start feeding our boy right away, while my husband got the sippy cup ready. Once his tummy was full, our boy turned back into a good, sweet, human child again, and he was more tolerant of sitting in his high chair as we finished up our meal. Yes, we took turns eating and watching our boy, but we were still eating out at a restaurant.

I think many parents go through a period of feeling trapped with their babies. It is a really uncomfortable feeling to be the parents dealing with the screaming child in a public place. They can't just sit at the table contentedly while you enjoy a meal, and it's hard to eat, watch the baby, and keep them entertained for longer than 15 minutes. If your baby does start having a fit, you get dirty looks, and it feels like people are judging you, like you're the inconsiderate parent who can't control their kid. So, you get take out instead, and you stay home because it's less stressful. It's still boring, and you still feel like a shut-in, but at least there's no public display.

I know we felt this way for a long time, but now I think we're changing. We still don't want to be the couple with the loud crying baby who irritates all the other customers. And we don't want to leave our boy with someone else each time we feel like going out for a bite. Instead of bailing on our decision to have dinner out, we worked through the stress (oh, trust me, it was stressful!), and managed to keep our boy occupied. He got fed, we got fed, and we were able to spend time together as a family.

I look forward to more family outings - not just the big trips to Disneyland or Seaworld, but everyday family outings. Especially now that I know we can handle them. I have a weird feeling of pride, as if we passed some unknown parenting test. You have averted a tantrum at a restaurant! Proceed to the next parenting level!

5 Things I Did Today to be a Good Parent

Today was very challenging, for me and my toddler. Between a very late night, diaper rash, temper tantrums, impatience, hunger, and reinforcing boundaries, we have dealt with about five consecutive hours of intense stress.

At one point we were both on the living room floor crying with frustration. My child will, at times, be emotionally out of control. However, I am the parent, and as hard as it is to remember during times of great distress, it is my job to be mature and in control of myself.

So here are a few things I did today to be a good mother to my son.

1. Where is your nose? My boy was screaming with pain when I started to change his poopy diaper. He has terrible diaper rash right now, and I feel so bad for him. I try to make it as quick and painless as possible, but I completely understand his need to thrash and squirm away. While I could have strapped him to the change table, he was already distraught and I didn't want to stress him any further. So I started asking him, "Where is your nose? Where is your ear? Where is Mama's hair? Where are your teeth? Where is Mama's chin?" Naming his body parts is not only educational, it was also distracting. The crying didn't stop, and the whole diaper changing process took nearly 12 minutes, but he was mostly focused on something else, and he held still long enough for me to clean him well and apply ointment.

2. You scream while I cook. Some people will argue that it is wrong to ignore your child while they are in the middle of a full tantrum. However, my boy didn't want to be held, he just wanted to lay on the floor flailing and crying. I made sure there was nothing around to hurt him, and I went to the kitchen to get his lunch ready. After 30 minutes, he was winding down from his outburst, and his lunch was cooked and cool enough for him to eat.

3. Time out! For both of us! At one point, the screaming, hitting and toy throwing was just too much. Mr. Baby was having such a fit, and he was so inconsolable, that I just gave up. I picked him up, put him in his crib, closed the door and I ran to the other end of the house. After 10 intense minutes of kicking things around, crying and, in general, having my own tantrum, I was calm enough to deal with my boy again. A lot of women, I think, hide these experiences and pretend that things are always alright. I suppose there is a fear of being judged, of being seen as a bad parent or a failure in some way. However, I did not harm my son, nor did I scare him by letting him see me out of control. I vented as best I could and I carried on. It's completely normal, and it's more common than you would think. Taking a time out from your kid doesn't make you a bad parent. It's just a tool to utilize so that you can be a good parent.

4. Hi, Friend! Got a minute to talk me down from my ledge? Had our emotional roller coasters ended after three and a half hours and our first time out, I believe I would have been fine. Unfortunately, we had just gotten our second wind. The whining recommenced as soon as lunch ran out, and as I hurriedly prepared more food, the crying, the screaming, and the toy throwing started again. Once the food was ready, I sat my child in his high chair and I admitted that I was in need of third party intervention. I called my friend, who is also a mother, and she assured me that I am sane, I am not a bad mother, and that this is normal behavior for me and my toddler. It helped so much to hear a friendly and sympathetic voice, an adult voice, a voice that spoke in complete and coherent sentences. I was on edge and my nerves were frayed, and just talking with my friend helped me calm down. If you have family and/or friends, call on them when you need help, when you're stressed, or when you're at a breaking point. I believe that, if you have the resources, you should use them.

5. Hug, hug, kiss, kiss. After five hours of stress and struggle, we were both exhausted. However, before I put Mr. Baby down for his afternoon nap, I took five minutes to hold him. I hugged him, and he hugged me back. I kissed his baby face and his baby head, I stroked his baby hair and his baby back. And most importantly, I told him over and over that I loved him. I know that we will have more difficult days, but I truly want my boy to feel secure that I love him, no matter what we go through. When I carried him to his bedroom, I kissed him, said, "I love you very much," and I put him in his crib. He smiled at me before he turned over and went to sleep. And seeing that smile reassured me, and made me feel that I could do this all over again.

So..... I know I'm not the only parent out there who has stressful and trying days. I have found that sharing helps, if in no other way than that you don't feel as alone. I'm always willing to listen if you need to vent, and if you have any tricks on how to cope with toddler tantrums and parenting stress, please feel free to share!