My Mommy Reality Check

Moms all over the world are laughing at me. I am sure of this.

I used to work for a child care center when I was in high school. I thought that had prepared me (at least a little) for what it's like to have a baby. I knew all about feeding, changing, and bathing - the smells, the smears, the spitting and the mess. I knew about playing with food, spraying liquids out of bottles and cups, and I even knew about the fountain of drool. I am a reasonably intelligent person. I know that babies are messy.

What I didn't count on was the fact that the mess is now in my house. The child care center didn't have wall to wall carpeting - but I do, with the exception of the kitchen. The child care center's floors were smooth tile and easy to clean. All the tables and chairs were solid pieces of non-porous plastic, with smooth surfaces, and easy to wipe off. We could even stand the tables on end, spray them down, then wipe them off with bleach. Everything was quick, easy, and very sanitary. .....I like sanitary.

My house is not set up like the child care center. I didn't think about cereal being thrown across my glass panel table, getting caught in nooks and crannies, and splattering on rugs and furniture. I didn't count on doing at least three full loads of laundry per week just for the baby because he likes to wear his lunch so often. I didn't think of milk vomit, or oatmeal vomit coming out at inopportune times - like when the baby was on the fabric upholstered sofa, or walking on the carpet, or resting on my chenille blanket. I also didn't think about how much food a baby can shove up his nose, and how shocking it is to see green peas come out when he sneezes. And it's amazing how fast milk can dry on a carpet. It smells bad, it's hard to scrub out, and all you can do is clean well and often, and air out the house every day. I use Febreeze on our furniture, I use Oust for getting rid of smells, and I use Lysol for any number of surfaces in the house - especially the diaper pail.

I read several authoritative books, several blogs, and subscribed to all the proper magazines. When my baby was born, I studied like it was finals week! I baby proofed and bought extra cleaning supplies, and I reveled in my preparedness. Yes, I did, stop laughing! I was so sure that a being so tiny would have a mess commensurate to his stature. Now, while I feel that I am fairly well read on this subject, I confess that I was sadly, woefully unprepared for the sheer volume of ick that comes from my child. I mean, really, I can't figure out how one cup of milk ends up coating my entire kitchen floor, kitchen table, and kitchen counters.

I talked with my mother about this, and she laughed at me. I know she talks with our relatives and her friends, many of whom are mothers themselves. I know that they in turn talk to other mothers, who will talk with even more mothers.

This is how I know. Moms all over the world are laughing at me.