My Mommy Reality Check

Moms all over the world are laughing at me. I am sure of this.

I used to work for a child care center when I was in high school. I thought that had prepared me (at least a little) for what it's like to have a baby. I knew all about feeding, changing, and bathing - the smells, the smears, the spitting and the mess. I knew about playing with food, spraying liquids out of bottles and cups, and I even knew about the fountain of drool. I am a reasonably intelligent person. I know that babies are messy.

What I didn't count on was the fact that the mess is now in my house. The child care center didn't have wall to wall carpeting - but I do, with the exception of the kitchen. The child care center's floors were smooth tile and easy to clean. All the tables and chairs were solid pieces of non-porous plastic, with smooth surfaces, and easy to wipe off. We could even stand the tables on end, spray them down, then wipe them off with bleach. Everything was quick, easy, and very sanitary. .....I like sanitary.

My house is not set up like the child care center. I didn't think about cereal being thrown across my glass panel table, getting caught in nooks and crannies, and splattering on rugs and furniture. I didn't count on doing at least three full loads of laundry per week just for the baby because he likes to wear his lunch so often. I didn't think of milk vomit, or oatmeal vomit coming out at inopportune times - like when the baby was on the fabric upholstered sofa, or walking on the carpet, or resting on my chenille blanket. I also didn't think about how much food a baby can shove up his nose, and how shocking it is to see green peas come out when he sneezes. And it's amazing how fast milk can dry on a carpet. It smells bad, it's hard to scrub out, and all you can do is clean well and often, and air out the house every day. I use Febreeze on our furniture, I use Oust for getting rid of smells, and I use Lysol for any number of surfaces in the house - especially the diaper pail.

I read several authoritative books, several blogs, and subscribed to all the proper magazines. When my baby was born, I studied like it was finals week! I baby proofed and bought extra cleaning supplies, and I reveled in my preparedness. Yes, I did, stop laughing! I was so sure that a being so tiny would have a mess commensurate to his stature. Now, while I feel that I am fairly well read on this subject, I confess that I was sadly, woefully unprepared for the sheer volume of ick that comes from my child. I mean, really, I can't figure out how one cup of milk ends up coating my entire kitchen floor, kitchen table, and kitchen counters.

I talked with my mother about this, and she laughed at me. I know she talks with our relatives and her friends, many of whom are mothers themselves. I know that they in turn talk to other mothers, who will talk with even more mothers.

This is how I know. Moms all over the world are laughing at me.

I Remember Shopping Being Simpler

Ok, so we're having tea this Saturday, so I had shopping to do. I went to one store for some jams and scone mix, but they didn't have clotted cream. My darling 1 year old decided to poop. So in the middle of shopping, we stopped, went to the bathroom, and I changed my squirmy, poopy child on the tiniest counter in the universe. Then we came out to see that the efficient staff had taken away the "abandoned" shopping cart to replace the items on the shelves. So we started over again.

Then I went to Whole Foods for clotted cream and tea sandwich bread, and other supplies, and Mr. Baby decided to play with his juice cup. Then he got very angry with his juice cup because the straw came out and he couldn't get it back in. So he threw it on the floor where it broke open and spilled juice all over the high traffic deli area. So I grabbed some napkins at the counter to wipe up the spill, but Mr. Baby felt very neglected and he was missing his juice, so he started screaming and climbing out of the shopping cart. A very nice man told me he would clean up the spill for me so I could take care of my Mr. Angry Baby (or maybe he just wanted me to make the screaming stop). I ended up carrying my upset, tear-stained child in my arms, pushing the shopping cart with one hand, and grabbing whatever I could reach. While we were at the deli counter, my darling boy managed to pull down the display containers (scaring himself in the process which made him cry again), which the deli staff were kind enough to pick up for me. I took my veggies and ran to the checkout counter where I stood in line with a snippy childless woman behind me who asked me if I could go any faster. I politely informed her that she could stand in another line. I got groceries loaded into the car, strapped my poor crying boy into his car seat, handed him a new cup of water - and he magically transformed into a good, human child again.

*sigh* .............I used to love shopping.