I Don't Have a Magical Wonder Baby

I am sick. This means that my child is also sick. I tried to save him from this vicious bug. I washed my hands repeatedly, I used Purell in between, I used the Kleenex Anti-Viral tissues, I sprayed Lysol everywhere. He got sick anyway. At first I felt guilty, then I realized: this is my child who likes to sneak up when I'm not really paying attention and bite my toes and fingers. This is my child who cuddles into me lovingly, then licks my nose and laughs hysterically while I splutter, gag, and search frantically for a sanitizing wipe. There was no way he was NOT getting sick.

Having a sick child is difficult for many reasons. It's very hard to see my child crying and rubbing his nose because he can't breathe. He doesn't sleep well, he's excessively cranky, he doesn't want to eat or drink, he has the most incredibly foul, toxic farts, and he has the runs which no diaper in the world can contain. Also I end up sleep deprived and without energy, which doesn't help because I need my full concentration when dealing with Mr. Baby.

But I must say, my main frustration is that all the tools I have to work with are designed for a Magical Wonder Baby, which my baby is not. My little guy is super congested, but he doesn't know how to blow his nose yet. People have told me to use that nasal aspirator (otherwise affectionately known as the snot bulb) and saline spray. These are very useful tools ..... if you happen to have an MWB (Magical Wonder Baby). An MWB will tolerate these things being shoved up his nose so that they may aid his breathing. My boy fought me like ... like ... well, like I was shoving things up his already clogged nose. When MWBs are ill, they are lethargic and they sleep a lot. My boy is ill, and he won't sleep .... or sit still, or rest, or take comfort in anything that would help him feel better. He is irritable from fever, lack of food, lack of fluid, and lack of sleep, but he insists on staying awake and feeling worse. My Mr. Baby has a fever which hovers around 103.5 degrees, and this makes him very uncomfortable and irritable. MWBs are still and quiescent while having thermometers inserted in various places. They instinctively know that it's for their own good and nobody is actually trying to skewer their brains through their ears. They also rest, nestled into the loving embrace of their parent, and wait patiently for the thermometer to finish reading their temperature. My child sees the thermometer and buries his head into whatever is close. If, by some miracle, I manage to get his head in the correct position, he moves before the thermometer is able to get an accurate read. This usually results in a recorded body temperature of around 92 degrees, even though I could fry an egg on my boy's blazing hot head. MWBs would happily ingest the dropper full of cherry flavored Tylenol or Motrin so that their fevers would drop, and they would feel better. My boy prefers to scream and shake his head wildly as I wrestle him into a position where I can hastily squirt the medicine in the general vicinity of his mouth, then hope that some of it made it in. I then chase him around for a few minutes trying to wipe the red, sticky medicine smear off his face and hands, and the chair, the rug, the blanket, and the pillow.

I don't have a Magical Wonder Baby, and doing anything to help my poor, sick guy is a struggle. But one look at Mr. Baby's flushed tomato-red cheeks and his glassy eyes, and I get ready to pin him down again. Who knew that love is always being ready to put your child in a half nelson for his own good?